Operation Bigly Smash Kim Jong-un
Trump paces the West Wing hallways as a storm covers America. He just finished a marathon rewatch session of The Apprentice and a frenzied, even inspired energy, has overtaken him. A lightening bolt streaks nearby. Trump calls out, “I will make the ultimate deal!” and launches Operation Bigly Smash Kim Jong-un.
Steven Bannon, a few days later, leaks a forged birth certificate placing Obama in Kenya. CNN’s most qualified team of monkeys investigates the document. They trace the forgery’s origin to North Korea and make the collusion case. Bannon flees to Pyongyang and applies for political asylum.
Democrats ebulliently celebrate the chaos overtaking the Republicans. Mueller seizes the moment to step up his pressure: raiding Manafort again, subpoenaing the Manafort family dog, and even destroying Steven Hatfill’s life just once more, for old time’s sake. CNN increases it’s anti-Trump propaganda to levels never before believed possible.
Trump caves. He resigns. Pence takes over in a public ceremony.
Only it isn’t actually Pence. It is Trump wearing a Pence mask. Pence will be safely stowed away in the White House basement praying and meditating on whether 2020 is open to him.
“President Pence” — who is really Trump in disguise — announces that through fervent prayer Jesus has advised him to solve the North Korean crisis with further negotiations. He withdraws American carriers from the region and halts joint military exercise with the Japanese.
Kim Jong-un declares victory. And lowers his guard.
People think Congress is on break now. It isn’t. The “break” is an obvious ruse. All Americans know that Congresspeople work all day, each day of the year, for the American people.
Rand Paul and Ted Cruz didn’t go back to their districts. They are actually in Tokyo receiving training from elite Samurai warriors.
The White House leaks a story that Trump idolizes Kim Jong-un as a God on earth who will unleash special powers during the solar eclipse. CNN plays the story so frequently that Kim Jong-un believes it is true.
On August 21st Kim Jong-un triumphantly parades through Kim Il-Sung Square alongside his military. How naive they are. Little do they know the unpleasant fate awaiting them.
Bannon has successfully ingratiated himself with the regime and stands by Jong-un’s side. He makes sophisticated mental calculations to determine the exact millisecond the eclipse will begin. One minute before, when no one is looking, he ties Jong-un’s shoes together.
The eclipse hits, Jong-un begins a speech, but trips! Pandemonium breaks out!
At this exact moment, carried by the momentum beginning from 9,000 feet atop Paektu Mountain, Rand Paul and Ted Cruz ski their way through the masses and arrive looking down on the fallen Jong-un. Cruz makes short work of the immediate bodyguards while Paul places Jong-un in handcuffs.
Samurai warriors appear from their hiding positions in the shadows. The North Korean troops are no match for Samurai swords. American planes pass overhead and Navy Seals jump out, as they parachute down, they blow away remaining Jong-un troops.
The North Korean troops’ spirits are totally broken. They panic, and run away. But in the chaos bullets are flying everywhere now. Just as an innocent North Korean child is about to be struck by a stray bullet, a Seal dives in the way, taking the bullet and saving the child. The North Korean family cries in joy and thanks the Seal who bandages his bleeding wound before getting back into action.
President Trump appears on TV and throws off the mask! Wild celebration ensues among Americans.
He explains that American anti-missile defense systems are ready to go should any rogue missiles be launched. Further, earlier in the day, he ordered Mattis to shoot down North Korea’s potentially nuclear bomb equipped satellites which orbited America. Kim Jong-un has been arrested and will soon be publicly executed.
Operation Bigly Smash Kim Jong-Un is an unmitigated success. The North Korean menace is ended.